I talked to my attorney and he confirmed what I felt deep down. So, with that confirmation, I’ve replied and suggested that Jake’s bio-dad come for Jake’s birthday when his grandmother (bio-dad’s mom) will be here.
I really, really, really just want to get along and I really want this to be a good experience for Jake.
Today’s a weird day for me. I woke up feeling fantastic, reached over to turn off my alarm and checked my e-mail right there in bed (alarm and e-mail are both on my iPhone). Someone I knew about 15 years ago looked me up on Facebook (always makes me feel good). Very cool. Got a response to a comment I left on someone’s blog. That’s always cool because when people don’t reply I often feel like I’ve intruded. Again…I feel fantastic. My energy’s way up there. And then, I come to an e-mail that leaves me with mixed feelings. My son’s biological father wants to visit. He wrote me a very pleasant e-mail (there was always a lot of tension previously). I haven’t heard from him in probably two years. His mother and I get along wonderfully (she’s a doll!) and she was here, staying with us for Jake’s last birthday (April). That, I believe was the last time Jake talked to him and it was initiated by her. Before that, it was…I think it was a year and a half that went by between him talking to Jake. And before THAT, it was about once a year. And for the record, I have physical custody with the right to veto, but he has visitation that he hasn’t ever taken advantage of in the 4 years or so that it’s been in place. I know that if we went back to court over visitation issues, I would most likely come out on top. If we wound up having the same judge, we most definitely would. And even though we’re living out of state, we still have jurisdiction there because we’ve maintained our residency. I have no desire to go back to court. I have no desire to “have the upper hand.” I just want peace and security and know that my boy is loved unconditionally and taken care of. With his father, I know that his physical needs will always be taken care of, but his emotional needs…not so much unless his dad has had a complete heart transplant. People DO change and grow up and whatnot, but I’m afraid of finding out otherwise. There were things about him that I just didn’t understand when we were together and I have come to understand, partially with the help of his mother (indirectly, through heart to heart’s about our OWN lives). I assume responsibility for some of what our relationship was. I do care about the man…but I care about my son more. And let me tell you, as much as I want a happy, harmonious relationship between us all…part of my core values dictate that I don’t flex on things that mean the most to me. Yes, I pick my battles, but this is one of those situations where I have a LOT of inflexibility. My son’s emotional security is just as important to me, if not more, than his physical security.
I’m trying to look at the big picture and put my own emotions aside. I know it’s not about me. In a perfect world, we would all be harmoniously getting along and Jake would have a good relationship with his bio-dad and be able to trust him. (I ALWAYS wanted that, but when I didn’t get back to an e-mail or phone call fast enough, he threatened to “take me to court and get full custody” so I ended up initiating formal proceedings) But, as it stands, his dad is a stranger and Jesse has taken on the role of father 110%. I could not ask for a better father - you would never know that Jake wasn’t Jesse’s biological son. He’s also asked to adopt him (and I plan on adopting Nic, his son). Also, in the very few times that Jake has had contact with his father, he’s been confused. And the last time he talked to him, he didn’t show that confusion at all, but was completely detached from the situation like he was just talking…well, to a stranger.
IF things were proven different…right now…and I knew without a doubt that this would be a good thing for Jake, I’d go for it in a heartbeat. If I knew without a doubt that the summer visitation outlined in our custody agreement would be a good thing for Jake, I’d go for it. But I don’t. History has shown that he’s fickle with his commitments and I don’t want it to be detrimental to Jake. He’s in a good, solid place right now.
I have no idea how to respond to his e-mail. No clue. But I need to figure it out right now.
Nic had his eye appointment today and it went wonderfully. I absolutely adore the doctor we saw, as well as his nurse. The whole office was phenomenal. Only downside was that we waited almost a full hour before being seen, but we were new and everyone else who came in was seen very quickly. Anyway, yes, the boy needs glasses, but his prescription isn’t nearly as bad as we thought it was going to be. But, apparently, he’s high risk for glaucoma and that worries me. He’s also got a cross-eye tendency, though you wouldn’t know that by looking at him (we knew this because one eye crosses inward dramatically when looking at something really close). The doctor pulled us over to look at the picture of the inside of his eyeball and said that he has “interesting nerves.” He said that several times. *laugh*
After his appointment, we ran around town trying to find just the right pair of glasses for him. Sam’s Club had some awesome ones and we found a pair that make him look like an older, more studious boy (he likes that ;)). These glasses have a magnetic snap on shades, but because I felt he’d probably lose it, we got him polycarbonate Transition lenses (I want some!!!). He also loves this blue pair at the doctor’s office and if this prescription works out well, I’ll go pick those up for him, too. The “he’s so handsome!” comments were everywhere and, of course, he just ate it up. ;) We discovered that we need to work on his “yes, sir” and “yes, ma’am’s” a bit, as well as sitting up straight. Good thing he’s so cute and has mature vocabulary. I think people like the novelty factor with him. He’s very “little adult.” Anyway, good stuff. It was a productive day.
I’m back to reading Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and researching kinder/1st grade curriculum.
So, in other news…we’re going to start homeschooling the boys. Nic has been progressively regressing this whole year. In all areas and it’s disturbing on many levels to watch. And sad. Jake, on the other hand, has a phenomenal teacher who treats her students like little adults - and expects them to behave that way, as well. Jake is learning quite a bit in school, so we may leave him in for the remainder of the year and try to catch Nic up. Nic will be better suited here at home. We’re still trying to figure out what we’re going to do with him, but over the past few days, we’ve gotten a better picture. Thank God for the Internet and for people who willingly share their tips, tricks, suggestions, and other information.
Nic also has an eye appointment tomorrow. He, without a doubt, needs glasses. He’s squinting at everything and the teacher has had to move him up in his class. And no, this doesn’t have much to do with his regression (yes, I entertained that thought for a while). I’ve sat in his class twice for observations and been thoroughly disturbed by the utter pre-schoolish nature of the classroom. Yes, I realize it’s only kindergarten, but the only reason he was started in Kinder instead of 1st was because of his age (two weeks past the cutoff). This district allows for NO extenuating circumstances or exceptions. There isn’t even any testing available at this age. The boy’s been in an academic setting his entire life and suddenly, class is like a day care. Instead of learning, they’re watching Disney and Pixar movies. He’s learned how to look to the other kids in his class for the answers on work sheets and has developed a strong dislike for challenging his brain and figuring out his own answers (which is NOT the little boy I met over two years ago). He has also just announced that he doesn’t like reading. At all. That is heartbreaking for me, angering for his father. My initial thought was to give him some challenging, supplemental work when he got home, but that’s just not fair to any of us. They live in a learning environment, anyway. I’m not sending him to school to play all day and learn how to act like all of the youngest kids in his class (which is what he’s doing) AND learn how to AVOID learning just so we can sit at the table and relearn/battle what he’s supposed to be learning during the day. OH! I almost forgot. We’ve also been correcting information that he’s been given at school, as well. Try telling your six year old that their teacher doesn’t always know the right answer…yeah right. Thank God that in his eyes, his incredibly diplomatic father walks on water and trumps all others. Anyway…we’re leaning towards a traditional style, but are going to try to add a little bit of “Unschooling” into the mix (can I just say right here and now how much the word “Unschool” terrifies me?! It’s a horrible word, in my “outsider,” conservative opinion). The boy is deathly afraid of getting the wrong answer and he trusts others, with less experience, more than he trusts himself. I think that some child-led learning will help that immensely. He wasn’t always like this and I really want to help him rediscover his own self-worth, self-esteem, and self-reliance.
I think that I will have more clarity when I reread Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and go through the exercises he recommends. This whole “homeschooling thing” is overwhelming for me. I’m gathering more clarity as I read more personal accounts/blogs/websites/books, but I think that the 7 Habits will be a huge help when read with my child as the precursor, not myself.
It’s been a while. I’ve had my head buried in…other places lately. And no, not down under. Here’s the latest…
I stumbled upon a place called SparkPeople.com, signed up, and have been sucked in. What is it? It’s Weight Watchers Online…on steroids. And it’s free. I’ve had a $15.00 a month subscription to Weight Watchers for the past four years. I used it to lose 30 pounds. Those 30 pounds were done and gone in two months…then I gained all the weight back plus some, once I stopped running and started eating crap again (lazy and fast food in your first year of marriage don’t mix and it’s not a particularly nice anniversary present for your husband). How many months out of the past four years have I made use of my subscription? Oh…about six total (and that’s pushing it!). So, I found SparkPeople and was absolutely blown away that there was this snazzy user interface and all of the same Weight Watchers tools PLUS some and all of these reports to run for charted feedback and and and…oh, and an iPhone app that works really well…and even a Facebook like community. Within hours of my signing up, I had a good handful of personal welcome messages on my page and within the first day, I discovered that people - complete strangers - were sincerely concerned for MY well-being. And I became concerned for THEIRS. And WE came to support each other. And through lots of indirect networking of blogs and “news” feeds and such, as we catch interesting blog titles or see cute usernames somewhere on the site, we navigate to other profile pages of complete strangers to offer our support to THEM. We browse through each others friends lists - but always to find that “Spark” of motivation we need - someone with similar stats or situation as us who has been successful in one way or another. We offer them OUR encouragement, letting them know what an inspiration they are - to keep on their journey. And the cycle continues. And no one is insecure because being loving and supportive IS the norm. Sounds very Kumbaya-ish, but it’s really very raw, open, and down to earth. Real men and women supporting each other in our missions.
Now, I’ve worked in social networking and make use of it on a daily basis, but SparkPeople is the first, wholly positive and nurturing social networking environment I’ve ever been in. As a woman, and one who has been fairly skeptical about men my whole life (well, since I hit puberty), I’m finding for the first time that I’m actually able to appreciate words of encouragement from the opposite sex without wondering about “the motive” behind it all. There is no motive other than to be supportive and…it’s really, really nice. Encouragement from women is wonderful, but men and women encourage each other differently. Women are long winded and emotional (yes, honey, I did just write that). Men are blunt and matter of fact. Of course, this is a gross over-generalization, yes, but typically, that’s it in my experience. My point is, I get both of that there and it’s refreshing.
On a slightly different note, being a part of SparkPeople has “sparked” me to get going physically. I have officially run my first mile without stopping - something I was never able to do previously. I’m loving high intensity interval training on the treadmill. I’ve started step aerobics (and discovered the On Demand section of our Direct TV). I’m so into all of this that for our anniversary, The Man has decided to get me a spiffy new heart rate monitor - the Polar F11. He’s already ordered it and it should be here soon - I’m stoked.
Oh, and just as an FYI, I’ve lost over 10 pounds this past month and it was EASY.
In completely other news, we discovered that our evil furballs fancied the dining room carpet more than their precious Cat Genie. Do you know what a Cat Genie is? No? Well, let me tell you…these spoiled rotten furballs (rotten to the core and plotting my demise) have a fully automatic litter box. The “litter” is plastic pellets. The litter BOX, is computerized and not only scoops the poo for them up to four times a day (programmable), but because it’s hooked up to the water line and drain in our laundry room, it washes, scrubs, sanitizes, and BLOW DRIES WITH WARM AIR their precious litter for them. Up to FOUR times a DAY! All I have to do is insert a new 60 day cleaning cartridge when it beeps at me. So, these lovely little bundles of JOY have been urinating underneath the window in our dining room. Seriously, if we ever sell this place, what would we say - water damage or cat pee? Which is better? Which is worse? So, armed with my favorite cat stain and odor remover, I pulled back the carpet to see how bad the damage was on the bottom of the carpet. Lord, it was so bad I…I don’t know. I don’t know how to begin to describe how bad it was. I won’t even post pictures, it was that bad (and yes, I took pictures because I couldn’t believe it). I started in on the cleaning, half-heartedly, and just got pissed, so to speak. After some deliberation with The Man, I grabbed my trusty pink utility razor (*girly voice* yes, it’s pretty and pink and really, really sharp!) and cut out the dining room carpet. Just cut it out! At the very worst, we would just replace the carpet. However… Goodbye carpet…hello GORGEOUS 1928 OAK FLOORS!!! That is, of course, underneath all of the plaster wall texture that I had to scrub off… Seriously? Seriously?! Come ON, people! Can’t you cover your stinkin’ floors before you retexture your walls?! Nevermind the few splotches of paint and the carpet pad adhesive around the perimeter of the room. BUT, there was no kitty pee damage. There’s no smell now that the carpet and pad are gone, and after a few more wipes down with that pee neutralizer/odor remover, the evil bastards will be let out of their room…and all will be well. Hopefully. It does appear that the floors will need some refinishing, as someone apparently got drunk and decided it would be fun to learn how to stain a floor (going across the grain, no less, and leaving a stain can ring with drips here and there…you know, just to tip us off as to what their plan was). BUT, even as is, they remind me of some of the older floors that can be found back home in Juneau. The historic bars and such. They have a lot of good character. I’m going to start my way into the living room next (and then the front part of the hallway along with the other living room).
If you’ve ever taken carpet out, you’ll know that the carpet and pad - even of a well-worn carpet - is at least 1/2″ thick if not more. It’s amazing what that 1/2″ drop to bare floor can do to a person in the pitch black of night if they’re not expecting it. As I stepped from the hallway, that measly 1/2″ drop sent my arms flailing out like a baby that feels like it’s suddenly falling. After I’d been pulling, ripping, scrubbing and scraping in that very room ALL day. Jesus, Stephanie…really, get a grip.
What else, what else…hm…it’s been nice and cold here lately and we’ve been able to make use of our fireplace again. As much as I ADORE the fireplace, it’s not so wonderful when its’ thermostat kicks it on mid step aerobics session (our TV is located on the wall above our fireplace).
The boys are in Tae Kwon Do now. I’m hoping to be able to get some pictures of them at practice tonight. So far, it’s been an eye opening experience for me in that I get to see how they behave (or rather, misbehave) around others. I’ve learned that Nic is really, really good at it and it takes almost nothing for him to pick up a movement routine. He just needs to work on using more force. My goal for him, in enrolling him in TKD was to help his self-esteem and confidence. Also, to help him learn to control his now only occasional outbursts. It is, slowly but surely, working. For Jake, I was hoping it would give him some focus, as he is convinced he’s the funniest boy on the face of this planet and everything he does is meant to illicit peals of laughter from his audience (even when that audience is in his head). Funny is good, but not when it’s infringing on his and others’ learning capabilities. I wasn’t seeing any improvement in him until I told him that I’d signed him up for the belt test this next month. The belt test is at the end of next week and I don’t think the boys are ready. I wouldn’t be overly surprised if Nic was able to pass the test, because he’s really good at the routines (just needs to work on his power), but Jake…I think that what it’s going to take for him to understand is possibly to fail this belt test to see that it’s not a joke. Of course, I don’t want him to fail - I’m his mother - but, I think there is definitely a lesson to be had in both passing and failing, and I’m just trying my best to prepare a “talk” for both situations to make these lessons, whatever they may be, the most impactful.
That’s about it, folks. I need to get crackin’ on these floors again! Pictures to come!
The Man and I finally agree on a house that we want to build. I realize that I haven’t updated with our thoughts on the future for a while. Since The Man is being medically separated from the military, we’ve made plans to move to Tennessee. We absolutely adore the town we’re looking at and need to visit some friends there to get a feel for the town in person (and make sure it really is as fantastic a place as we believe it to be!). If it all works out, we’re looking to purchase as much land as we can afford and build our home on it (I just found 183 acres for $183,000! We don’t need THAT much, but 60 acres would be perfect!). The house is large because we plan on having my parents live with us, too. At least, if/when they decide they’d like to.
Other plans include a full herb and vegetable garden along with some fruit trees. I want chickens for meat as well as eggs. I’m looking at my options for milk - still not sure if I want a cow - that’s a LOT of milk. A goat is a possibility, but The Man says (adamantly) that I’m on my own with that one. LOL
Anyway - I’m relieved to have something, finally, to add to my vision board.
I haven’t been hiding - just been busy. We had a good friend staying with us for a couple of weeks, I’ve canned my first foods, and today, we have a birthday. :)
I’m super excited about the canning. Everything I’ve made so far has turned out wonderfully. I always thought that those big jars of store bought strawberry preserves were as good as it got, and I’ve even been known to sit up in the corner of the counter in my parents kitchen with a jar, a spoon, and a glass of milk. After making strawberry jam for the first time, I will never be able to bring myself to buy another jar of ANY jam or preserves. It’s amazing that strawberries, sugar, and some pectin - nothing more - turn out to be better than commercially manufactured jam. I mean, I’m all about home cooking and creating amazing depths of flavors (like in my slow simmered spaghetti sauce I made last night!), but these companies with their taste trials and market research and all that - they should be able to produce superior results, no? Anyway, I’m stoked. So far, I’ve canned Old-fashioned raspberry jam, blueberry jam, apple butter (I’ve never had it, but found a recipe for it and am loving it on my banana bread!), pepper jelly (jalapenos and bell peppers - to die for!!!), and…uh, I think that’s it. I’m also working on some raspberry liqueur, blueberry liqueur, and a limoncello. I have plans to make some vanilla extract since we have so many vanilla beans running amok around here (seriously), and possibly some coffee liqueur. I also want to can my own chicken base (reduced stock) and tomatoes, but that will require me to “grow a pair” *ahem* to use the pressure cooker. Why is that so scary? It shouldn’t be…the pressure cookers of today are nothing like they used to be.
Having started food preservation has also kicked me into a new mode of exploration. I finally made some almond butter. I’ve wanted to for quite a long time, but it wasn’t until the boys weren’t allowed to bring peanut products (or pumpkin, unfortunately) into the school this year that I finally decided I needed to do it. I ordered some raw almonds, roasted them, and ground them up (almost killing my smaller food processor!). It’s really tasty, but I’ll post more about that later. I also finally picked up the raw cacao nibs
On a different and completely bass akwards note, my main topic of research right now is raw food diets. Not for the purpose of dieting, but more because I want to feel better. I have no energy. I’m not sleeping well, I haven’t weighed myself, but I think I’m gaining weight. I feel like sleeping all day. I’m not depressed and that’s adding to my frustration because if I were depressed, that would be the root of all of this and I would know how to manage it. I’m trying to listen to what my body is telling me and these are the things I’m noticing:
So, given the above observations, I’m being slowly drawn to “green smoothies” and a raw diet. Not 100%, mind you - I have no desire to cut out our love for kitchen chemistry, but I do feel that we’re grossly out of balance here. We need to stop the eating out, save for once a blue moon, and it will be much easier after tonight (birthday boy wants to go out). We have a killer juicer (Breville BJE200XL 700-Watt Compact Juice Fountain)
The birthday boy has decided he wants to give Texas Roadhouse another try for his birthday. Last year, he proudly said that was where he wanted to go, being fully aware of their birthday antics. For anyone who hasn’t witnessed this, the staff gather around and sing a loud chanting song while you’re on a sawhorse saddle, waving a napkin over your head like a lasso (totally mortifying, I’m sure - I refuse to step foot in the place on my birthday). Anyway, he went there and was so absolutely and completely embarrassed that I had to hold him with one hand out of the booth to at least stand up while they sang to him. The saddle was a definite no-go. His brother, on the other hand…well, let’s just say that he went at it with gusto on his birthday. GoodNESS, couldn’t even get him off the damn saddle. Anyway! So, that’s where he’s decided to go tonight for dinner. I’m still trying to decide whether we should make him a cake, buy him a cake, or let him pick a dessert from the menu. I guess I should ask him! LOL
Well, this is me, signing off. That was a whole lot of randomness crammed into one entry.
The boys started school today. I got to go to Target alone and take my time (and time, I did take). While debating whether or not to get my nails done, I went to Hastings to get a chai tea latte and muffin for breakfast. Decided not to get my nails done, but to go to Home Depot’s garden center to see if something made me want to get my hands dirty. No such luck, though I did get some ideas for fall/winter landscaping (remember, I’m in Texas LOL). Am now thinking about running out to enroll the boys in the Tae Kwon Do lessons that will be starting here shortly. They’re definitely going to need activity since there aren’t any particularly active activities at school (unfortunately…).
Still need to drop off the boys’ immunization records and curriculum fees. The school was a mad house this morning and parents all over were wide-eyed and shaking their heads. It was so disorganized and the staff seemed ill-prepared. The school was a private, faith-based school last year and was approved for Charter status over the summer (which also means no more faith teachings, sadly). I know there will be bumps as they begin this journey, but I’m hoping the bumps are few and far between. We really loved the school last year - the staff was all wonderful, save for one condescending individual who was easily dealt with (just smile and nod, Steph, just smile and nod…). Unfortunately, that attitude seemed to be everywhere today as we were helping the boys get situated. In fact, while inquiring as to where we should take our children (no signs, only adults shouting in a large, echoing gymnasium along with what sounded like a million children), one lady told us in an incredibly inappropriate tone that we would have learned that at the open house…did we go? No? Well, the date was posted on the website…” Actually, ma’am, the date wasn’t posted on the website, I check the website weekly for updates, I did not encounter a “Meet and Greet” notice. Nor did we receive a letter, an e-mail, a phone call, or any other form of communication with this information. I don’t appreciate a raised eyebrow and a shrug as you turn away, thankyouverymuch. Being one to “pick my battles,” I did not think this warranted a fight and I would have walked away to cool off and possibly bring it up with higher-level administration. However, my far more tactful husband, pulled up the website on his iPhone and meekly asked her to please point us to the information we so clearly overlooked. She tried. About three times on that screen to find the info and couldn’t. Why? Because it’s not there. Just as fast as the apology escaped her lips, she backtracked by saying, “Well…nearly everyone attended…” That’s great, but I’d like to know how they were informed and we were not.
Let me state that it wasn’t a big deal to us at all until she treated us like we were stupid. What made it more of a big deal was that it was in front of our children. We make a point to be active in their education and we have high social standards for responsibility, accountability, and respect. We humbly asked for direction so we could assume responsibility for getting our children to the places they needed to be (an intentional lesson taught to them via observation - there is no fear necessary when trying to be responsible for oneself) and she is illustrating to them exactly how people should not treat each other by taking a tone and attitude that, yes, a child would have immediately shut down upon receiving. I’m just sad that the boys were gone by the time The Man got to illustrate to HER exactly how adults should treat each other. He was so kind and so gentle about it and I walked away feeling validated by my husband’s gentle strength instead of angry and hurt and resentful and doubting (that would have lasted the rest of the day and then whenever I encountered this woman). Well, I have to admit, I am a little doubtful after this morning, but I am hoping and praying for the best. I know that we have options and that’s a good mental place to be in.
I’m also grateful that I was able to learn a lesson by observation this morning on how I should be standing up for myself. I tend to “pick my battles” very carefully because I do realize I have a very strong and sometimes cutting personality that can sometimes make things worse if the conflicting personality is just as abrupt or less receptive than myself. I like that I am blunt, don’t mince words, and people know where I stand. I strive to do this in a matter-of-fact, void of extreme emotion, and respectful manner. However, and I’m merely being honest, it is not worth my own time to try to gain the respect of someone who clearly judged me in an instant with their own lack of respect for whatever reason (and no, I wasn’t in my pajamas or sweats - I looked respectable with hair and makeup done and jewelry). That my husband would seek to offer her some “enlightenment” after this means the world to me and he, truly, saved my day. I get inwardly bent out of shape over these things. Very anxious inside and disappointed with humanity and because of him, I’m enjoying my own little celebration day (celebration that I made it through the summer with both boys at home, locked INSIDE due to the ridiculous 100+ degree weather). Love, love, love.
This year will be good regardless of what happens with that school. Oh, and I don’t believe I’ve written about our updated plans for after military separation (which I imagine will probably be around January)! That’s a whole other entry, but I will say…Tennessee has topped Alaska in our location choices… :) More on that later! Lots new, unforeseen doors opening up and lots of excitement.
Typically, the elusive Ms. Tooth Fairy leaves money in exchange for teeth under pillows. Growing up, myself, I remember Ms. Tooth Fairy having her own money tree that grew with abundance. Miracle Grow, she must’ve given the dang thing, because I remember at least one instance in which I received a big, fat twenty dollar bill under my little princess head. I do, however, remember going through a lot of pain at the dentist office for that sucker. A molar with a root about a foot long. You think I’m kidding? It was double the length of the tooth itself. I digress…
Tonight, we discover that Ms. Tooth Fairy’s Money Tree o’ Abundance is missing. We think that Congress took it. In it’s place, she’s forced to offer an IOU.
And the inside…the coupon!
Think it will suffice? :) Now, if only the snaggle-toothed boy will go to sleep. His nosy brother, too. Ms. Tooth Fairy is dead tired and wishes nothing more than to flap her tiny little wings into bed.
We found out yesterday that The Man is being discharged from the Air Force due to medical reasons (he had a microdiscectomy last year and is unable to deploy to areas where body armor are required due to the weight). We all have mixed emotions, save for the boys who are purely ecstatic because they think this means going back up to Alaska - and it very well might mean that. He truly loves what he does and is good at it (I know this not because I watch him at work -I don’t-, but because what he does is part of our family life, as well). I love seeing my husband working in an area that he’s good at and feels good about. I don’t care what he does as long as he’s happy doing it. The thing I’ll miss the most is the (false) sense of security that the military has provided us. The thing I dread the most right now is the unknown. I’m trying to change my thinking so that it’s more positive and look at this as an adventure. I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions over the past 24 hours that we’ve known this was happening. Anger, dread, hopelessness, panic, sorrow, tentative excitement, and now, even happiness is starting to peek through the clouds. Like all things in life, this is just another stepping stone to our ultimate destination (which, funny as it seems, is also just a stepping stone). As usual, “optimism rising.”
Much of my fear came from the immediate assumption that we had to sell the house and move within the next couple of months. It wasn’t until I calmed down that I was able to really process this and realized that we don’t have to do a darn thing until WE are ready. We don’t have to move. We can stay here. We own this home and our mortgage payment is nice and low. Further, even if we were to move, we wouldn’t have to sell. My long term financial goals include owning investment property. So, in my mind, after a bit of discussion with The Man, what we’re going for right now is to stay here for a short while, until we can get all debt paid off and build up enough of a nest egg to purchase or build (I hope!) another house elsewhere. I like this town, but I don’t love it. The Man feels the same way. We won’t be here for long, but just long enough. That realization calmed 99.9% of my fears.
As far as the employment scene and finances go, I’m no longer concerned about that, either. While I’m a stay at home mom, my skills in business administration are strong enough that I could most certainly start setting up interviews with employers today if need be. Or, I could ramp up my own business efforts, which I’ll probably start doing anyway. Nevermind that there are unlimited possibilities for employment for The Man with his skills. In all honesty, I think that in our upcoming situation, we may be making more money than we have been since we’ve been here. Oh, I do hope so.
I got married and immediately transitioned from a single mom who loved and thrived in my job to a stay at home mother of two with no “stay at home mom skills.” It was a really hard transition for me, but I’ve been stubborn about making it work (possibly too stubborn?). I took on this role, knowing that I could do it, I just needed to figure out how to do it. For the first time in almost two years, I feel like I’ve got it. I’m certainly not perfect (as illustrated by the mad rush to pick up and clean the kitchen before the A/C guys came yesterday on short notice), but I have the inner security of knowing that I know how to balance everything at home now. The boys, the cleaning, the finances, the decorating, and essentially, turning this house into a home. I knew a year ago that if I went back to work, I would be waving the flag of failure and well, I just can’t do that. I don’t feel like I would be waving that flag now and it’s a good feeling to know that you are, deep down, okay with whatever comes your way. A new beginning, a new goal, and new accomplishments.
So, here we are. Looking into the mirror and envisioning the future. My keywords for this next chapter are love, security, abundance, and health.
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I’m a wife to one hot Air Force dude, a mother to two gremlins born six months apart (we’re special), and slave to the slightly feral Shoulder Cat and his cohort, The Velociraptor (remind me to clip her claws, please, she clicks when she walks).
